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-I am 22… oh wait? what?

16/March/2013 | Personal Thoughts

Me and my years of mistakes, parties, making the all the wrong decisions. if you’re expect flawless english, please do yourself a favor, EXIT MY BLOG NOW. bye.

I step out of teen years, i entered the years of 2(x), i knew i was trouble,
i knew i will make so much mistakes that i will regret making later, or pretend to regret, but nevertheless, i told myself,
yes, it’s time.


I rmb i was dirt broke, i skip classes, i fail classes, i fake sick and not turn up for internships. I fall in love, i sneak out of the house, i ran away from home, my friends seem to be my everything. I have 3 different dates on a day, i got my heart broken, i had so much secrets, i kiss and tell, i lie, i cheat, i play with fire, got myself burnt. I spent the night partying with complete strangers, i drink, i live by the negative attention, i got drunk, i never sleeps, i pass out, waking up the next day not knowing where i was. i break into fights with my friends in clubs, i rmb i sneak into private parties, how i got caught, so drunk i took my pants off, yes, pictures were taken, puking on to my new branded pair of shoes, all the stupid things i did, drunk or sober.

yes, i lived the life, i lived by the moment.


My nonsense didn’t stop, out of a sudden, i woke up this morning (ok, to be accurate, this late afternoon), i m not 22 anymore, but 24, turning 25 very very soon, i m in my mid-life crisis. by the way i live my life, high chances i m so gonna die young, let say, if i die at 50 (just like how Qiu predict her life span)

Yes, no mistake, i m in a mid life right now.



At this point of time, the positive part of me, ( 70 % of me ) is telling me, i accomplished many things that i ever wanted, i live, love, i hate, i made so much friends, yes, i lost plenty of friends too, made so many enemies. I been to almost all the places i ever wanted to be, i spent my last 7 years doing things i love doing and did not starve to death. (which is such a miracle.) i dream to have the best selcas, better than everyone. yes, my dream was that shallow, i guess all of those shallow dreams i had, somehow, eventually, i accomplished them all.

But at the same time, that negative part of me, suddenly, scream louder than usual.. like there are so much things i have yet to accomplish, or even try to.

Tonight might be one of the first night i ever question myself who i see myself as when i hit 30? i don’t have a diploma in whichever i love, i don’t have filthy rich parents to support me all the way till i die. for heaven sake, i don’t even have a driving license, how am i ever survive if i ever decide to live as a normal person, if ever one day i decided to stop being vain, who will i be? right now, these insecurities starting to scare me..

Looking at friends around me, one by one, they found their true love, getting married, even have their 1st born, opening business, succeeding in things they love doing, making a living… well, i cant say i m not jealous, yes, i m indeed jealous.

Tonight, i calling that hardworking yutaki i used to know, back into my life. i wanna start living myself for the future, i will start taking up real money-makin’ jobs, ( there were job offers back then, but doing wad i do, partying, not-giving-a-shit seems to be way more important, i rejected the real money. yes, i was that cavalier.)


I will be keeping a tiny part of that party boy of the old me. But, reality will start now… this is when i finally grow the fu*k up. i will kick off a career, using my useless talents, wish me luck.

For those young girls and boys reading my blog right now, u go make as many mistakes as you wan, you never lived until you been there, done that. I had my sparkling, happy, free, lonely, miserable and magical years, they shined, don’t worry, i will never ever forget those days, i have plenty of pictures to remind myself.


Definitely, i m not announcing that i m gonna quit blogging, but instead, i m gonna turn this blogging space of mine into a piece of gold land, let it shine, let my life depend on it.


-Speaking Up.

06/March/2013 | Personal Thoughts, Uncategorized

Well. I have a sudden urge to blog about this… typed 3 hours on my phone, as usual, if you’re expect flawless english, please do yourself a favor, EXIT MY BLOG NOW. bye.

I rarely do explain anything about myself, like my blog is so not personal, really just skin deep.

Like I don’t have super long wordy blog post about what’s happening with my life or try to satisfied the super gossip-y readers, explain blah fuck blah…

But suddenly I see the need to speak for myself at least once? To bring the distance between me and my readers a tiny bit closer…

Ok, some readers have these ideals about me:
“oh I live in delusions that I m actually super goodlooking, my online pictures are exactly how I look like IRL, and I m super proud that I m inhumanly goodlooking, detest all those people who ever tell me that I am not, like for an example, if someone bump into me on the streets or spot me somewhere and tweet that I m look damn different in person, or actually I really fugly, I will get all defensive and tweetply these people and ‘scold them?’…”

Ok, here’s my explanation for every single misconceptions of me:


I NEVER ONCE proclaim that I m goodlooking. Not even once. But I do know one thing I m hardworking. I wasn’t born goodlooking, fugly in fact, I know, that’s a fact, but I refuse to just sit there and kpkp why no one like/love me, why am I so plain or ugly ( like most guys do.) I choose to be vain, do what ever I could to look better. At least to look good in the perspective that I adore.

Well? Why so superficial right? Yes i am, I grow up as the odd kid, the ugly one, that socially awkward one, that bullies’ target. It wasn’t easy. Horrible actually.

Like I m always afraid to go school or to even socialize/mingle. I was unwelcome by all my peers just because I was different. Things changed when that day I decide to go with a “cool” haircut, slowly it grow to bigger and bigger. Vanity brought a lot of awesome things into life, now that i m vain, I have friends, I have people complimenting me, I have people take me as their inspiration, I have I people who love me for being vain, I truly treasure all these things in my life.

my obsession with vanity is my life now. Like 80% of my life is about being vain. ( mind you, vanity is not useless. soon, I will be making use of my ability of vanity into good use, a career perhaps. )



1stly, i never once said that my pictures wasn’t photoshopped. i m actually proud that i have this talent to make myself look good on pictures. I m certainly not selfish about it, I photoshop every single human being on my blog and I do FREE photoshoot/photoshop for almost all of my friends, whoever in need, a blogger or NOT.

Ok, back to why do I photoshop my pics, its srsly a vanity thing, u will always wanna look best on pictures, at least I do,

And, I do believe that if u have a vision, you have a goal, soon, u will achieve your goals. That applies to your looks as well. I take my photoshopped pics online as my looks-blueprint for the future, how I wanna look like in the future.

it really works for me, like I look back to my super old pics, my secondary school photos, I realized I changed indeed alot and my looks eventually “grew” more and more alike to my photoshopped pics. Yes, It’s a miracle.

I have this tradition that every single year I will produced a heavily photoshopped photobook of myself. secretly, that’s actually my birthday wish for every single year, to be better looking and more like how i vision myself in the future. every year.

AND FYI, It’s not like I don’t have unphotoshopped pictures, you could find them everywhere, on my friend blogs, some readers pics with me taken on the streets (I retweet them all) or event pictures.

– just that other day i tweet this without photoshop/filter shot of myself on my twitter.

Also the ones I posted (almost) daily shots on my Instagram taken with casio TR150 mostly are unphotoshopped. I still do get almost the same among of likes as those heavily photoshopped ones.

Ok, I do have ( somewhat recent) videos of me on my YouTube account and or other social networks. GIFs on my GIFBOOM, those are things that can’t be photoshopped. So I don’t really get why the saying of “oh yutakis is so fake; ALL his photos are photoshopped and he look damn different in real life.”


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I didn’t get a single follower out of how fake I am really. They appreciates me for my heavily photoshopped pictures.

Of cos, I m certainly not ashamed of how I look like in person, that’s exactly how I wanna look, how I wanna carry myself out, too bad for you that you can’t appreciate it.

To be honest, NO ONE LOOK 100% EXACTLY LIKE THEIR PICS (even without photoshop). So, Please forgive me, I m just human.



Ok, by tons, you mean 4 things? Like I can also honestly tell u guys wad do I wear on my face usually, eye enlarging lens, concealer (eye bags and smiling lines), double eye lid glue and i darken my eyebrows.

That also depends on if there are special occasions, like photoshoot, some event opening or events I need to attend that i need to look extra outstanding and photo ready.

To be compared, that 4 things I wore on my face is MUCH lesser than any other vainpot girls.

To be compared with the ulzzangs/gyaruo styles I been following, my men’s makeup is still on the minimum end.



And yes I do get spotted in town, most of the time, I always get compliments about how good/pleasant I look in real life. I will retweet such tweets or reply to thank them or show appreciations.

Same goes to that few nasty comments on my looks too, I don’t see why I can’t reply them or question them why they think so? Like is it my hair? Was it my eyes are too small for their likings or my skin color is too pale?

like most of the these rude comments ( thou i rarely get them, like maybe 1 to 2 once in a blue moon.) was just simply rude and not constructive at all.

Bluntly mention my name and commenting that I m fugly is an outright insult, and I have all rights in the world to choose to accept them OR not. ( I can handle insults really, I grow up with insults, only if they are actually constructive Or simply if i m happy to accept OR NOT. )

And again. I never once said “oh I m so goodlooking, even better looking in person!”

Oh please, you guys came up with one yourself, have nothing to do with me. Yet I m humble enuff to even mention in my FAQ this godzillions years ago:

Q : how do you look like in real life?

ANS : tell you wat, pictures are deceiving, i m actually very ugly… i look like this in real life :


I m really easy to be satisfied, I never once expect anyone to tell me I m goodlooking in person or look exactly how I look like in my pictures.

As long people recognized me in real life as yutakis, I m will be all overjoyed already.

But I m will NEVER tolerate cynical, judgmental, useless and trashy insults. Again, why should I?


Ok here’s other stuff that being gossiped for the longest time.
“Like what happens to me, Kaykay, Xiaxue, eric and my clique. The only reason why I m friends with Wendy (Xiaxue) is cos I m a big time ass licker and all I m after is the fame, I ditch Kaykay after knowing Xiaxue thru Her, i am such a horrible friend and all my friends doesn’t deserve me.”

You guys really know shit. Whatever you all been guessing is totally 360 degrees different from the truth and totally bullcrap.

Ok, here something I would like to shamelessly declare. I guess none of my friends would dare to disapprove that…


I did everything I could for my friends, friends are my life to me, literally. You can effing say that I m a horrible person, a horrible lover or a horrible looking person. BUT NOT A HORRIBLE FRIEND.

This is why I felt really really insulted with the rumors that I picked fame over friends, or a horrible friend who ill-treat Kaykay or Eric. ( fyi, Eric and I are STILL friends, for 10 years friends we have been and always will be. )

WHAT Actually happens in our clique, no way I will ever disclose in details online. But I can tell you one thing, if ever one day the truth really got revealed, you will know that I m actually a good friend.

And FYI, i know wendy thru blogging way before i even got to know kaykay in real life, i met wendy at a event. i got closer to wendy thru qiu and sophie actually, like we had more common topics and chances to meet up, not like the rumors said, i ditch kaykay after knowing wendy thru her, wtf? how ridiculous!

Please stop saying things like people are after fame when they make friends with Wendy pls, as far as i know, Wendy ( or used to ) have plenty of blogger friends who are not as well known as her, like Cheesie, Kaykay, Sophie, audrey and qiu, so what? All these bloggers are all ass lickers? all after her for fame isit? Stop trying to make friendship into such a shallow and superficial thing, will you?


And lastly, rumors about my sexuality/boyfriend/girlfriend stuff?
How should I ever declare myself when you guys will never believe me anyway? Like the rumors/hesayshesay are just so much more interesting than the facts? Go ahead and believe all you wan, I am not effing you or anyone you know anyway.


Ok, finally. I got these tons these stuff in my head out. Now I can peacefully go ahead and sleep, wake up tomorrow and focus on my 3rd online photobook, which seems to be more important than everything to me right now.

To those haters, bitch please, I need no your donations for liking me, I hate you very much too. ( haters will be like, ‘How could u even me? you don’t even know me!’ Yes, exactly, same logics applies to me.) 😀

For those who have been loving me, and still love me now after me being honest, (at least a tiny bit more). I live for you guys, appreciate so much for the love. 😀

With love.

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