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21/May/2018 | A Little More Personal, Confession of yutakis, Personal, Personal Thoughts

The Biggest Mistake In My Life…

24/June/2016 | Personal Thoughts

Is to have a stubborn concept that how people should behave, should do, should say, should think.

Today, the long distanced lover told me over the phone, there’s a real handbook on how to make yourself unhappy, one of the instruction will be to list down ‘how everyone should do or should not do’, set a list of expectations. And watch people around you behaving accordingly, watch them obey your rules, meet your expectations. Create a page of ‘the things you want to hear’, and a page of ‘things you never want to hear’. then, when people dont agree with you, dont meet your expectations, do those things that they shouldn’t be doing according to your sets of regulation. Piss yourself the fuck off, dragged your mood in blood across the wall, there you go, unhappiness accomplished. — Not in the exact context, but this is the main points of story.

This conversation was like a atomic bomb, the truth bursted in red all over my mind. I realised, in my 28 years of life, i have been nothing but a walking checklist of expectations. i make myself so unhappy whenever one of these boxes on the list wasn’t ticked in red. i turn into this cruel disgusting monster in green and punished everyone around me if they don’t my go way, say the EXACT words of my liking, i pushed people off the cliff if they dont meet my expectations. i hate to admit this, but i (still) am a grade A control freak without absolute no sense of remorse.

I always tell myself. “This is the basic rules of relationship/friendship/human decency”. or “why the fuck is so hard for him/her to just fucking do/say this? its common sense?”. or even ” THIS IS THE MEANING OF LOVE/FRIENDSHIP”.

These words are like self comforting pills, whenever that tiny bit of weak conscience inside me start to kick me and warn me that i m being a psycho, i just had to dry swallow these pills, i will be feeling all fucking self righteous and loud with my words again.

I m a strong believer of no matter at what age you are, u re always learning, changing and becoming better and growing into the person that you would like to be. And EVERYONE had to learn the hard way. if you don’t make mistakes, you will NEVER EVER LEARN. This is also why, i starting to open my heart to get in touch with some of my old friends that i had burnt the bridge with, deep down i know, the sole reason why i cut them out was simply because, they didn’t meet my expectations on my checklist.

Yes, i was a fucking cruel dickhead, no excuse.

Now that it feels like i went through a thousands episodes of a educational tv drama series and all these things happened in my life was scripted, I was meant to walk this path just to learn my lesson. Learn that EVERYONE is different.

This lesson might took my 28 years to learn, but I’m glad i m finally come to realisation of my biggest mistake in my life.

Now, its another journey for me to change for the better,

break this pattern,

be a better lover,

be a better son,

be a better friend,

be a better person,

and mend some broken hearts.

— 5am words of shame and remorse.

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