Day 01 / Day 14
Its 1:50am on the flight to Korea, Seoul from Singapore. Everyone on flight is asleep except me… i’ve finally made it happen, going on to a alone trip and hopefully i could find myself again. For the longest time, i, somehow lost my way… i m not sure how, can’t really recall one particular incident that really killed me, more like its a series of unfortunate events, out of a sudden, i’ve lost the ability to be happy.. the ability to be motivated, i literally stop dreaming, even if i try to, i don’t seems to be wanting to take any action to turn my dreams into reality. if u read my locked up post, u should know that i’ve lost many things in life recent years, friends, love ones, close relative, things that used to matters to me, all good things seems to come to an end, they never last, I guess unknowingly, i become more and more depressed. If you are feeling blue-ness, you are not alone. Nothing seems to motive or fulfil me anymore. Not even work, money, love, or even lust. This is where i started to lose myself. who i really am? I used to be contented, yes, with very very shallow things, i know they are, but back then at least life seems to have a purpose. But now. even those shallow things don’t really matters much to me anymore, i guess i m just continue to be vain to make money, yes, blogging is my main income right now, i’m pretty independent now, i depend on no one else but me.
Blogging, take pics of myself, dream to travel to big cities, having my face look more and more like how i dream it will be, there are the things that motivates me, i guessed i worked hard for many years, yes, somehow my (shallow) dreams somehow got accomplished, i’ve been blogging full time for a year plus now, surprisingly, i didn’t starve to death, in fact, i m making a decent amount, that even allow me to save up some at the end of the month. Its indeed a huge ass accomplishment, not much bloggers could survive on solely blogging, even harder for a guy to do it. there’s only ONE hand full of male bloggers in the scene, not even half of them are blogging full time. so i guess its something i should be proud of, At times i do felt really super unaccomplished, like i started blogging as a hobby, slowly i found my directions, i love shooting myself, doing online photobooks, in 2013, that’s where things got complicated, i ended one long ass relationship, 3 years to be exact, i ended a friendship that was once SO important to me, one of my closest relative (my meemaw) passed away, my only pillar in life, sandy also moved back to taiwan for like ever, then even for now, my friends around me are facing some shitty ass crisis, all this happenings, slowly slowly, slowly took away the little sparks left inside me. my dreams were fulfilled by other bloggers who was following me and was once inspirited by me. Watching them one by one making it big and sparkles and shine, This is should be enough to motivate me to work harder, no, it didn’t, it got me actually almost giving up. My friends never give up on me, they always motivate me and give me the best compliments, kept telling me, i have so much talents, i have so much potential, it just i want to do it or not, or i am willing to do it or not. but my days passed by with me taking the job that once was my dream as a chore… less and less effort input… what’s going on with me?
For relationship wise, i don’t know if u guys watched the movie, [How To Be Single]….! It really really enlighten me so much, it hit me like a big yellow school bus, It seems likes every tragic happening in the movie, was once happened to me, damn suay right….? My life was that dramatic for a period of time, every time, i met someone, i fall completely over the top, go all levels of crazy, all level of psychotic, being all levels of insecure and lastly, losing myself. i become another person, a person to so in need of approval, so needy, so needy to be appreciated, there wasn’t a single moment in my life when i wasn’t keeping a watch out for the right one, constantly wanting to be loved and wanting to be attached, so badly. I forget how to treat myself better. it seems like my self value comes from the validation from some one else i like, mostly, I dress myself up for others, i do things to please the one i fall for, i guess this is the ultimate the reason i m so insecure, whenever i can’t please the one that i m seeing, or they have a slight disinterest in me, i start to get all crazy, my insecurities start to act up as a fit, everyone just run away from me,
Later did i know, to be truly single, its when you are NOT in desperation of the need of being with someone else. You love yourself not because someone else love, you please yourself not because someone think u deserve it, you need no approval from someone else to be nice to yourself. That’s how you love yourself, that’s where your self confidence come from, that’s where your security comes from. i need to learn to be just be satisfied by being just me, i need to work on myself before i could truly ready. ready to see someone again. Meanwhile, i have to work on myself. not making someone else to be responsible of my own happiness or security.
In mist of desperately looking for someone to love me, I almost forget being together with just anyone, its about being happy together, i already lost the ability to be happy, why should i see someone and make them else miserable? yes, its really deep and dark shit that i swear, if i could time travel and show this blog post to me, myself, 5 years ago, i will be like, who the fuck is this emo shit who can’t get shit together? lol, i know right, i was that confident and mighty back then.
One of my biggest fear was to be alone. yes, i took up this trip to Korea alone. was… one of my bravest decision, To be not traveling with a friend, i will let go of myself a little, let myself step out of my comfort zone a little, live a little, i will go meet people again, make friends, open myself up, not looking for love, instead find myself again, look for happiness. i will do all the things makes me happy, make my blog fun again, blogging was once the only thing i love for the longest time, i really i used to blog so much and i produced many blog posts that no other bloggers ever blogged before, that was so yesteryear. i wan to shoot myself again, i want be vain for my own shallow self again, i want to be more interested in photography, i want to shoot more, i want to shoot more, i want meet and explore new things, let go of my judgey self, my ego, and that grumpy cynical side, I want to be more open with my feelings, i don’t want to seek approval from anyone, but myself, let go of poisonous people in my life. i want to be motivated to be a bigger person, a bigger and better blogger, do innovative things and inspire myself and people again, i want to be more money driven, i wanna earn more money, i want to take up more works and jobs, and make more friends, and be most importantly…. be happy again.
I really really do appreciate you guys who are reading this, wish me luck. I’m not truly alone when i know i have u guys reading my little bit and pieces of my life. I really do appreciate all of your comments, across my social media platforms and emails. It means a lot to me, i might not able to reply to all of them but i do really really read all of them. Thank you guys so much,
Those readers who are with me for YEARS, u might witness my “downfall” of my strive of being better or as a blogger, dont have to sugar coat it, as i m sure as fuck i wasn’t as epic and hardworking as how i used to be. I need to find that yutaki back, u guys once loved him, i once adore him too, help me find him…?
Thank you guys so much for reading…. even my blog is so dead. lol.
P/s: I’m pretty impressed with my views for my locked up post that is actually password protected a few months ago, eh, u guys actually bother to google my date of birth to read it. and i will try my best to be more active, be the old blogger yutaki who blog more out of interest. dont wanna be a zombie blogger anymore, (a blogger who only blog about sponsorship and adverts.)
P/p/s: I blame all my blogger friends too, dont u guys miss the time when they were so aggressive blogging and update almost everyday, where are the good old blogging days? I miss their entries so much!!!! Oei, you know who you, zidong a bit and blog more! lol
P/p/p/s: How about a entry a day for the next 14 days to record down every bit and pieces of my virgin alone trip? It is ambitious… but worth a shot? lol.
we shall see!
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